That Awkward Moment...

I'm always a little hesitant about revealing anything too private on this blog; I'm notoriously close mouthed when it comes to my private life. I don't have problems with relating humorous little anecdotes about my day to day life, but I've never been comfortable with talking about feelings, emotions and the assorted gunky stuff that comprises one's life. However, in an effort to get away from my usual reportage of movies/porn stars/rants and raves, and since I'm in a sharing mood I've decided to spill some beans, (and honey, these are some JUICY-ASS beans!!) But first, I'll have to fill you in on a little backstory...

About a year and a half ago, I did one of those stupid, stupid things that everyone always warns you against; I fell in love with someone I worked with. And, no, it wasn't a "crush". I've had plenty of crushes, both platonic and lustful, with co-workers, classmates, neighbors and people I see on the bus everyday; who hasn't? As long as they don't turn into obsessions, crushes are healthy and normal. My feelings for "Mr X" went beyond that, and to cut a very long, complicated story short, Mr X wasn't available and so I kept my feelings to myself for several months. Naturally
the truth did eventually come out and things were soap operatic to the extreme for a week or so with revelations emerging from the both of us that would have easily served as a season long series of plot lines for a gay, x-rated version of Twin Peaks. Eventually, things settled down and we tried to be friends and it seemed to be going successfully for awhile, but not very surprisingly, we had a fight over something stupid and trivial and...he ended it. Obviously, it was his way to escape the situation and obviously it was healthier for me in the long run, but it still hurt like a son of a bitch for most of last summer. AND, to make matters worse, he only lives about 8 blocks from me, on the other side of 15th Street, so I spent the first several months after the "break-up" worrying/hoping that we'd eventually run into each other. Naturally, for awhile, I had fantasies that we'd run into each other in front of Walgreens or Jamjuree and our eyes would meet and he'd run into my arms and we'd kiss passionately, but even those fantasies dwindled away and I figured we'd just eventually run into each other and smile warmly to each other and move on. But, as the weeks and months passed, that didn't happen either and I started to wonder if he had moved away and began to feel relieved that our 15th Street reunion was apparently never meant to be...until Saturday.

Saturday afternoon it was decided at our apartment complex that we'd do some barbecuing in the courtyard. I needed to pick up a few things for dinner and some change to do laundry so I walked to Safeway. About 30 seconds after walking into the store, I saw HIM and his BF and I'm pretty sure they saw me, too. We pretended to not see each other and made an effort to grab our stuff and get out of the store as quickly as possible. After I got the hell out of the store with my groceries, I managed to hold it together long enough to not have a complete meltdown and made it home to have a very stiff gimlet and ponder what the fuck had just happened. It was so awkward and weird and unnerving to see him again, after a whole year of not seeing him, and yeah, I have to be honest and say that it did stir up some old emotions. What made the whole thing even odder, was that I really hadn't been thinking much about him for quite awhile but last week, someone I know saw a nekkid picture of Mr X on the Internet and showed it to me...I'd never seen a nude photo of him before, (I've seen TONS of the BF; you can't go two feet on the 'nets without seeing THAT leathery, over-priced, worn-out, old sausage...)and to be honest, it didn't do much for me. He has a great body, but he's not very comfortable with himself and takes an awkward picture...it was kind of an 'eh' moment for me which was sort of comforting for me to know that I was moving on...But then we ran into each other and I actually saw him, for a split second or two, and it made me realize that there is a little something there, a little piece of him, and his heart, and his eyes, and his hands, and the nape of his neck, that is still lurking around like a little toad in the primordial goo of my heart.